Taking a break.

Just like it sounds, I won't be blogging for a while.

~ tessmarie (August 6, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

A Better State of Mind

I'll admit it. For at least a day, I thought I knew it all. I thought I had my whole life planned out and was ready to tackle the world head on!

Then...I realized how disturbed I felt inside. And also, I discovered that my new found "intelligence" was actually stupidity...

All I have to say now is, THANK GOD!

I mean, I was in a dangerous place spiritually and artistically. God and art are very important to my core being. If I put God in a different place, thinking it was the right thing, and it turned out that I was straying, I would eventually fall to pieces inside. He's what drives me. Without Him, I have nothing. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I may have these crazy dreams that mean so much to me, but if God wasn't involved in their creation, they would not have a purpose or even exist. I'm not going to abandon my Opportunity Maker once I'm given the opportunity. That would be selfish and pointless. I love God and I will never let myself come to the point to where I think I can put Him in a different light so I can work "better' creatively ever again. I now realize how ridiculous that was. And my emotions got the worst of it. But that's done with.

I need to watch who I listen to and chose how much of what they say is right for me. I like creative freedom. Yeah, I like the androgynous look. Yes, I do like to dress up like my characters, even the transgendered one. BUT I can't become them so much to the point that it's not healthy for me. I love my characters and I want to understand them better, but I have to know my limits. That's going to take some time for me to fully learn.

Anyway, this is/was a good experience. I'm learning a lot and excited to be challeged. I want to grow as a person (spiritually, emotionally, and mentally). I'm happy to be writing and drawing from daily inspiration I'm given.

Now I'm off to dream even bigger than I have before.

~ tessmarie (July 11, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Peace, Finally.

Lately, I've been wanting more out of my life. I can't keep staying up late every night. I don't have a good enough reason.

Wanting to be more production, I've been listening to my brother Todd's advice (as if I have a choice...ha ha, kidding). He's someone I admire- not because he'll sympathize with me over trials we've both experienced, but because he urges me to push myself and won't let me make excuses. I've shed many tears during our conversations over the years and all were completely worth it. No one has been harder on me than him. I'm truly grateful for that. Every time I talk to him, we share our views about life, family, and religion. Sometimes, it feels like we're polar opposites...but I think that helps us both grow. Ok, honestly, I probably get more out of it than he does. I do think he enjoys seeing me learn, though. I am his "science project" after all. I'm not sure what the grading scale is based on, but I'm sure hoping he gets an A+. Heh heh...I think he will.

I'm really starting to see life differently after our recent talks. I'm inspired like never before! My fear seems to be disappearing, or at least masked. I like to tell people when I'm afraid for some reason. I guess I like appearing vulnerable. Maybe that's kind of a good thing? I'm just going to say it is, ha ha. Usually, I talk about it because it's bothering me and I'm begging for as much advice as possible. But if that method works, why change it? I'm feeling much better. I can't even describe how excited I am!

Why am I excited? Why was I holding onto fear?
I love my ideas, my dreams. I think about them a lot, probably more than what's healthy. They're a part of me. They bring out my passions and that's a beautiful thing. But I've been holding back...I've been limiting myself, scared of what people I admire will think of me when they find out "who I was all along". That fear has been hurting me for far too long and well, I'm sick and tired of it. I have to be myself to be happy. It's the only way for me to grow as a person and for my stories to blossom as well. I'm excited because I'm free! No, I'm not yearning to be free. I am most definitely free! I feel different, changed. There's a feeling of peace and pure happiness inside of me. I have no tears of sadness or joy. It's an emotion of comfort, not at all overwhelming. I've been overwhelmed for too long.

My passions are no longer a secret to anyone. I am totally open. Because I have to express my feelings about what I love and what brings me pain. I need to do this for myself.

Another worry I had was that I'd "lose God". On the contrary, I love God too deeply to let go of Him for any reason at all. He's the reasons my passions exist. I love God, but I feel like I've been "playing Christian". And that is deadening. If I truly love God, I'll do what I love full force and involve Him every step along the way. I have no doubt pursing my dreams will bring me closer to God. No more being afraid and fearing that I'm not being a good Christian. I. don't. care. I love God and I want to obey his teachings. I don't need to concern myself with the judgement of anyone, but God Himself. I love my friends and family, but I can't be scared of what they think. I'm not afraid any more. Hallelujah!

~ tessmarie (July 9, 2010)

Blogged with the Flock Browser

I'm on a Mission...

...to dominate the internet!

OK, no, not really... What I plan to do is on a smaller scale.

I keep thinking of ways to market myself and just be out in the open for opportunity. Social media and networking sites seem to be great for this. So, I'm starting with the basics. I'm on Twitter and I'm already addicted to it. Simple! I just have to get a whole bunch of followers and then people will notice my ideas! That isn't exactly as easy as I thought I'd be. Because it's not about quantity, but about quality in the long run. Ahhh, but I'm impatient... I'm fighting through that. Even though I want quick results, I realize long-lasting results are the best. :)

And Facebook is out. I mean, it annoys me now. Why would I want to spend more time on a site that I intentionally stay away from? Maybe a fan page would be fun a while from now. Oh, ha ha! I'm speaking as if I'm actually going to be well-known. Ha...that was funny. :)

My other idea was YouTube. Sounds fun...if I can really do it. I've wanted to do it for years. The problem is I'm a bit camera shy when it comes to speaking to an extremely large audience. I've tried to film myself before with the intention of uploading it to YouTube. Just knowing that maybe someone I don't know will see the video FREAKS ME OUT. I start to act all nervous and say stupid things that don't make any sense. I really want to get past that and I don't know how. But I'm going to keep trying, because I think it would be a good thing.

I don't think I'll get popular over night. I'm going to be realistic and level-headed about this. At least, that's what I'm trying to do. If I'm going to be known for something, I want it to be a good thing, something that's important to me. Not something that just shocks and entertains people. But hey, it does that also, then OK! Ha ha.


By marketing myself, my goals are to:

* Grow as a person.

* Make a name for myself.

* Spread and shape my ideas, writings, and illustrations.


And I pray that this will be an amazing journey that will bring me even closer to God.


~ tessmarie (June 22, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

A Lot On My Mind

It's Friday and I'm working. Yay! No sarcasm intended. I need a job.

This week has been very emotional for me. My college decision has changed entirely. I was planning on going to the University of Louisiana at Lafayette and sharing an apartment with my best friend. All of that has changed. I waited too long to make some very important choices and that hindered me. While I have TOPS and get to go to a four year college with tuition paid, money wasn't looking good. Living nice, unfortunately, is not usually cheap. So, I had the option of staying in a dorm instead. Yeah...I don't think I'm ready for that. Six months from now, maybe, but not now. From the advice of my mom and a few others, I've decided to wait until the Spring semester to go to college. I still get to use my TOPS, so why not? This gives me more time to make a choice I feel more comfortable with. While I'm happy about the choice, I'm still nervous. I still have to make the decision. There's just more time for me to do that now.
_{[For those who don't know, TOPS is a program in Louisiana that will pay a certain amount of money for college depending on a high school graduate's GPA and ACT or SAT scores]}

Another thing that has been bothering me is, well, me. I've been lazy, unmotivated, and basically a couch potato every since I graduated high school. Everyone tells me that that's fine and I deserve some time to relax. Sure, I agree, but doing nothing all day makes me feel pretty crappy. By nothing, I mean watching season after season of The Office, Law & Order: SVU, and a few random, cheesy movies on Netflix Instant Play. Now, that's a day well-waster for sure. OK, well not exactly, but yeah, yeah it is. Actually, I do other things, too. I draw. While that's a lot of fun and it's fulfilling, I still don't feel like I spend my days the best way I can. Art is very important to me and I know having a job would take time away from that, but I think it would be good for my mental state (which is not so good right now). I really want to work at Whole Foods. I love that place anyway, so it just makes sense that I'd want to be there all of the time. I won't apply for a job there until August, though. I can work part-time for my dad until then. The reason is because the chances of Whole Foods letting me take two weeks off to go to Oregon in mid-July don't seem good. Because if I started on the job tomorrow, I'd only be working for a month before asking for vacation time. Ha ha...ha...not likely. So for the next two months, working with my dad on Fridays is perfectly fine with me.

Another issue I have with myself (it's always about me, isn't it) is my artistic expression. Oh, artist expression, I'm so professional now (only in my head, of course). But really, that's what it is. I feel like I'm holding back. I have thoughts and drawings I don't feel comfortable sharing with other people. I get scared of that they will think I've lost it. I do think I'm exaggerating a bit, but in my own head, it seems that way. I want freedom. I want that for myself. Being honest to myself, my friends and family, and my non-existence audience (heh heh) is crucial to my happiness. Whether my ideas are controversial or weird or completely normal, I want to express them. I have to express them. I WILL express them.

That's all I have for now. Feeling pretty good about life. Thank God, I can breathe!

~ tessmarie (June 18, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

New Artwork *May and June*

Pictures look best in full view (click once).


"Innocence in Motion"


"Kites?"


"Lovely and Lucid"


"Lovely and Bemused"

~ tessmarie (June 15, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

I'm Open to You! Willing and Ready.

There are a few things I need to be honest about with myself and everyone else. I've been talking about defeating my fear and how I'm trying to be brave. Also, I know I've voiced this to a couple of people close to me, but I think I should say it here - I want to be known, not for fame or fortune, but to make some kind of difference by sharing my ideas. Big problem, though. I'm afraid of what people think. First, the challenge was my family and friends. Never thought I'd get past that without difficulty, but I did (I was the one making the big deal, ha ha). Of course there are some that still concern me, but hey, I'll get over it. Now I realize that the ones I love truly support me and that gives me the courage to write this and to go ahead and live my dream. Everyone else, those I want to reach that I don't even know, is the real problem for me. I mean, what can I say to make people listen to me? I'm eighteen, just graduated from a small Christian private school, lived in a small town all of my life, and I'm still so naive. What could I possibly say that people want to pay attention to? I'm not sure. I'm going out on a limb saying all of this, but I think it's going to matter. God gave me a life for a reason, just like everyone else. It's about time I realize I can make a difference. I may be scared, but it brings me to tears thinking about the possibilities God can bring about in my life if I let him. I'm ready, God. Lead me, take me, and mold me in the woman you have me set out to be. I want with all of my heart to do something amazing for You.

~ tessmarie (June 2, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Defeating the Fear

Still scared…of what they might think. I've grown so much and gotten strong enough that I'm proud of my work and of my beliefs. But I'm weak enough to still have fear of criticism and failure. It doesn't bother me until I try to put myself out there. I know what I want. At least, I think I do. I know what my goals are, though some will indefinitely change over time. However, that doesn't lessen my determination. It's fear that's holding me back. A voice inside my head tells me that I won't be able to express myself the right way. Oh, I'll be able to do it, but it won't be close to my expectations… There it is, fear.

I want to be stronger. I want to speak my mind and do it with wisdom. I want to get my point across without worrying about others perceiving it the wrong way. I feel it's important to consider that, though. I have beliefs that some see as weird, others see as wonderful. I know not everyone will like my views, but I know there are people who will. I believe that. My opinions are important to me and I want to share them. I have to break this fear, if I ever want to succeed.

~ tessmarie (May 30, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

My Art - Past

I picked a few of the pictures I've drawn or altered on my computer that I like the most. They aren't very recent. I just decided that I would like to document some of my past work on my blog.


This one is called "Words Around Me". It was the result of my random drawing during class. I think I drew this when I was 16 in the 10th grade.


Another random drawing called "What the Pinkness?". The picture is a little messy, but I like the mood it creates. The girl's eyes make her look animated, I think.


Um, well, this drawing is called "Ugly Blank Stare". Not saying the girl is ugly, of course, but that her stare is somewhat frightening. Her outfit is...interesting. And she has pink hair!


This picture is titled "She's Super". I guess at the time I drew her, I thought she looked like a superhero or something. I love the tone of her blonde hair.


I call this one "Hair Color Wows Me", because it does. Seriously, the girl's hair color is my favorite thing about this picture.


This one is titled "Pinkster". Hm, in my opinion, she resembles a Dr. Suess type character. I was experimenting with brushes in a program called Seashore when I did this drawing.


This picture was taken on a webcam, eh. It's of a two different animes/manga I like, Fruits Basket and Ranma 1/2. I was practicing anime eyes and then I drew my favorite male characters in the animes. Kyo Sohma (Fruits Basket), Ranma Saotome (Ranma 1/2), and the cutie Ryoga Hibiki/Pchan (Ranma 1/2). I call the picture "I Can Has Anime?".


When I drew this picture, I didn't realize that the background was set on transparent so it looks a like weird. Simple picture, simple title. "Girl With Tie".


This drawing was extremely random. I don't really know what to say about it, ha ha. It's called "Flowow". I just like that it looks fun.


Here is a drawing I did of a cartoon-y field. I like the blurring and the different shades of the colors. It looks very small, hence the title "Fields Galore, Not Really".


There are so many flaws that people have pointed out to me in this picture. And I can think of a handful every time I look at it...but I still like it. I was sad when I drew it. I think I drew this during my first week as a junior in high school, at age 17. This drawing is called "Amber".


~ tessmarie (May 25, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Burnt Out

"Ah, I love this song! I must listen to it 30 times a day. It's just so good!"

This is a thought from when I was fifteen.

I remember having thoughts like the above statement. I've had what I call an addictive behavior for years. This trait has its disadvantages, but I do believe it has worthwhile positive aspects. Sure, listening to the same song over and over and over or entertaining specific thoughts on a daily basis can somewhat isolate you from reality, but it does something different for me. When I do something that gives me a temporary high, I often think about it so much that I get tired of it. I'm not saying liking something a lot means eventually you will hate it. That's not true, of course. It depends on what it is and why you like it. For example, when I was fifteen/sixteen, I was very much obsessed with two things that had this effect on me. I really liked the song "Pop Princess" by The Click Five. Actually, I think I was more obsessed with the images and the feeling the song gave me. Anyway, I listened to the song until I got "burnt out" on it. That doesn't mean I don't like it today, it just doesn't create the same vision in my mind. I had to go through a stage of obsession until I realized it wasn't the greatest song in the world, ha ha.

The second thing I was obsessed with definitely had a longer-lasting effect on me. It look me a while to get over it. I imaged a very odd scene with one of my characters being stuck somewhere. It's very awkward actually, so I'm not going to mention specific details (and no, it wasn't graphic or perverted). For some reason, even though the idea wasn't at all great, I loved it! I honestly couldn't get enough of it. Almost a year later, the idea started to fade and the story changed almost entirely. Now, it has drastically changed from that original idea. The story I'm talking about is At First Blush. Oddly enough, in the beginning, the main character was a girl who dressed as a guy for whatever reason. Well, Charlie still dresses as a male, but there is a reason and it's crucial to the story and the character.

I think being "burnt out" isn't all bad. While the process sucks, because once you get over something you usually feel drained, it's worth it. That's my experience, anyway. At times, it can bring you to something better. You don't have to stay drained and sad because your "oh my gosh, amazing" happiness went away. You can learn from it and grow to be a wiser and more intelligent person. I think I have and will continue to do so.

~ tessmarie (May 19, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Not the Same

It's all falling apart. We're all falling.
Innocence, ha, I remember that.
When I didn't know any better.
But somehow I kept from getting hurt.
Things of the past, so far away.
What have I given into now?
Everything.
Everything I thought I had to have.
What made me change...
So long ago...
It doesn't matter now.
I have what I want, what I've craved.
So I could be like the rest of them.
The Best of them...(the worst of them)

Yeah, I'm not bitter. Ha ha, really, I'm not. This isn't about me actually. It's about the change I've seen in some of my classmates. Sad really, but if I think about it too long, it just makes me angry. So...writing this piece of literature helped me vent. Ahhh, I feel a little better.

~ tessmarie (May 13, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Was I Delusional?

I have a lot of poems on this blog, so far most of them convey feelings I had for a person. Unlike the feelings, these poems still exist and I'm OK with that. I was just thinking about how strongly I felt about this specific person and whether it was rational or not. The truth is I'm not sure. I've heard that love is not supposed to make sense, but to what degree? This sounds like it's getting more complicated than I expected. OK, so sticking to the original subject of this entry, I'm wondering what these poems mean to me now. I still like the way I wrote them and I like that they hold a piece of me, even though it was during a chapter of my life where I felt very foolish. It's weird... It's not like I hate the person I wrote about, it's just that I hardly think about him now. The memories will never go away and that's fine with me, too. Maybe I wasn't that silly. Maybe there was a reason for it. Ha ha, what am I talking about? Of course there was a reason for it all.

~ tessmarie (May 10, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Music ♫

Do you ever listen to the radio or to a playlist (or any other music source) and feel like you're in another world? Is it an escape that you often crave? It seems common for people to do this, but sometimes I wonder to what extent to they do it? Does their favorite song take them to a life unlike their own, completely opposite? Is that alternate reality more appealing than the song that helps achieve it? Or do their lives so closely relate to a song that they want to get lost in it because they never want the happiness they feel to slip away? Is it always about feeling some kind of high? I think it is, at least, that's how it is for me. Music is somewhat of an obsession for me. Of course, I have many other obsessions, but this one is pretty high on my list of things I live off of. It helps me develop my stories. Music, especially on the radio, provides a lot of inspiration for me. There are even songs that I didn't like at first, but became fond of because of realized that they could relate to my story, At First Blush. Honestly, my day just doesn't feel the same if I don't hear a song that tells a story or has an infectious beat...

~ tessmarie (May 9, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Back-Stabbing Thoughts? Nah...

At First Blush, kill me now. I keep writing this story, but how? Pressures and trials scare me daily. Not sure if I can continue to face this bravely. Disaster could strike at any moment. Sometimes I want to vent. Too great of an honor to hold. Or should I be so bold? God, I need you. Am I being untrue…to my Savior? The One who gives me so much favor? Lead me and guide me. For I should only succeed if You are beside me.

The above is a poem, I guess, that I wrote concerning my insecurities about my ideas and their inspiration. Sometimes, I become worried about the direction I'm accelerating in. But I try to find comfort in the reason I think, the reason I dream - to please God.

~ tessmarie (May 9, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

It's over. Wait, no...it's just beginning.

...

Exams...are over.

Papers...are done.

High school...is finished!

Yesterday was my last day of high school. Today was senior chapel, a day I have always looked forward to every year. It's a special event to honor the senior class at my high school. Ever since seventh grade, I loved to see seniors (ones I didn't even know) be lifted up and happy on such a special day for them. The teachers/staff always made the event entertaining with jokes and embarrassing stories. Of course, there have been some boring moments in between, but it was always worth it to see the smile on the seniors' faces. And today, I was one of those seniors. It was my class' turn finally. I knew it would be more emotional this time, and it was. The one real difference was the increased suspense. I had so much fun trying to figure out who would speak for what student. Now...I was trying to figure out who was going to speak for ME! I had expectations. I tried not to take them too seriously and I was successful. But reality had exceeded my expectations. A teacher I greatly admire, Mrs. Trahan, had me. And it doesn't even end there. She also had my best friend Jackie. Nothing could have been more amazing! Honestly, it was more than I could have asked for. I feel truly blessed. I cried both tears of sadness and of joy. My dad, my brother Todd, and I ate at Another Broken Egg Cafe afterwards. Around 5, I went with my friend Meredith to see my art teacher, Mrs. Mary, in the hospital because she recently had a stroke. I was glad to see that she looked OK. All in all, it was a good day.

Road trip out of town tomorrow! I'm driving there with Jackie. We're touring a college campus. So much is changing so fast...

~ tessmarie (May 6, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

These feelings...are beyond words.

When it's an act of God, can words used to describe it give it justice?

Well, I'm gonna try to write about it anyway. Ha ha.

My heart has been opened, revived. I am free. Free to love. Free to believe.

Free to live for God.

~ tessmarie (April 12, 2010)



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Well, it's come to this point.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings.
But if you don't watch yourself, it can turn into hate.

If you love someone and you think you can't let them know, you could possibly become bitter. Bitterness can sink into your heart. Maybe you feel like the person you care/cared for is the one to blame. But really, that's not the case. It's you. Emotions can be controlled. If you let yourself become angry, you're the only one who can stop those feelings.

It may or may not be wrong to continue loving that person. But whatever you do, don't turn love into hate.

It's miserable.

~ tessmarie (April 9, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

AFB - Personalities

Character analysis- fun stuff.

I don't believe in astrology, but I think some experimenting with it could do me some good.

❍ Saccharine~ is like a Pisces.
> Her personality is sweet and thoughtful, but she could easily become sad depending on her surroundings.
> Her challenge is to be strong and overcome negative emotions in order to protect and care for those she loves.
> She's NOT exactly like a Pisces, of course. She is strong-willed when she needs to be.
* But regardless of this, I think I will make her birthday March 31st.

❍ Blair~seems to resemble a Sagittarius.
> He is sensitive, always dwelling, and very kind.
> His emotional strength is a unique quality.
> He is easy to connect with.
> Has good sense of humor and is interesting.
> When he chooses to make a loyal friend, he tries to do it carefully.
* So...December 17th will be his birthday.

❍ Charlie~is like an Aries or a Gemini or even a Scorpio.
> Charl is agressive at times, but seeks peace.
> Determination conflicts with Charl's emotions.
> S/he has a complex character. There's a lot I don't know.
* November 7th is Charlie's date of birth.

Eh, this is subject to change. I'm not sure, but, at the moment, I agree with it.

~ tessmarie (April 9, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Kamehameha!

I've been craving some Dragonball Z. Call me crazy, but I love that show. And it's more than the nostalgia. And by nostalgia, I mean I used to watch the show in 1st/2nd grade on Cartoon Network. I watched it in order to relate to the boys at my school. I had only a couple of friends so that helped me kind of socialize. I remember looking for "dragonballs" on the playground. Fun times. I just think it's weird that I started watching a show over 10 years ago and now I'm 18 and still love it. But of course I have good reasons.

1. The characters are fascinating, both with personality and looks.
2. The story lines, though long, keep me hooked.
3. It's a long series that takes time and dedication to watch.
4. There are plenty of surprises, ha ha.

But again, it's silly a lot. Not just funny, but silly. Things happen that don't make sense almost every episode.
I'm not complaining though. It's not like the show is trying to be realistic.

I have a few favorite characters. The two that top my list are Vegeta and future Trunks. Goku fluctuates on my list, depending on my mood. Ha ha. But the Saiyan Prince and his son are always fun to watch, especially the relationship between the two. I guess I'm a sucker for the whole father-son aspect of it.

Here are two sketches I drew of Vegeta. They're sloppy but I think they're cute. Oh and also, these were drawn on my school planner, hence the numbers and writing all over the place.





Why am I still blogging? I've got a whole lot of DBZ to catch up on. :)

~ tessmarie (April 8, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Avid Diva - This chick ain't me, is she?

Avid Diva, my other story...

While it's still a "baby story", its origins began when I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade. Here is the daydream that helped to create Avid Diva. I imagined that I had an "alter ego". She seemed to be between the ages of 19 and 24? What's even weirder is that she wore a black bodysuit and lived on a ship in outerspace. Yeah, pretty odd. And I wasn't sure if she was a villain or a hero. She made jokes to herself, and a small animal sidekick? I'm not sure. My memory is a little fuzzy. But I do remember she had somewhat of an ego...maybe because she had no human contact. Anyway, that's how it started.

It's becoming something almost entirely different.

Similarities:
- She will look almost exactly like me (hair color, eye color, body shape, etc.)
- Her personality will be the same as I imagined.
- Black will be a key color for her.

Differences:
- Chances are she won't be living in a spaceship. Ha ha. (maybe in HER imagination.)
- Bodysuits aren't considered "normal" attire in the 21st century, as far as I know.
- Will probably be more sociable.
- The plot: she is destined (blessed) to be celibate.

Her journey has begun. :)

~ tessmarie (April 8, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Reoccurring Heartbreak?

If we were meant to be together, it would so weird.
Because you know my intentions even when I don't.
You make my heart beat uncontrollably and it's so sudden.
I guess I say it would be weird because I can't imagine that you feel the same.
While you're calm and collected, I'm losing my mind...to your heart.

~ tessmarie (April 8, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

AFB - Past and Present

(Note: AFB stands for At First Blush.)


Background/History-

The rough idea for this story came into my mind around the time I was 15 years old, three years ago.
It started off as a girl who was dressed as a boy or something very similar. I would imagine her in awkward situations where she couldn't hide the fact that she was female. Embarrassing stuff really. Thinking back on it, I had come of with some pretty disturbing scenarios. Ha ha. But the story has changed a good bit and now, it actually has a plot. The main character is a girl who dresses like a guy, BUT she's transgender. That's right. So, she's a he. And she has friends and family in the story. Also, while she is the main character, the other characters play big parts in the story. It doesn't mostly revolve around her, but then again, it kinda does. I'm still shaping basic parts of the story so a lot is undetermined/undecided. You'd think after 3 years, I would have gotten further, but no, and I like the pace the story's at now. :)


Character development so far~

● Charlie / Charlotte (Charl for short)
- The main character, a transgendered boy. (FTM)
● Maerie "Saccharine" (Sacch for short)
- becomes a close friend of Charlie.
● Blair (This is a guy.)
- becomes a close friend of Charlie.
● Name Not Yet Decided
- Charlie's older brother
● Queenie (Nickname or real name?)
- Maerie's younger sister
● Anthony
- Guy who find out Charl's true sex and flirts with/teases him (He doesn't tell anyone else.)
● Danae
- Girl who starts to fall in love w/ Charlie (Doesn't know he's female.)
● Name Not Yet Decided
- Guy who is the boyfriend of the girl mentioned above.

Wow, feels good to get that out.

~ tessmarie (April 7, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

At First Blush (and Avid Diva)

At First Blush is a story I've created that is very special to me.
Because of my youngest brother's advice, I've decided to post ideas and progress about the story on here.
It's going to be silly and weird, but I love it. And I want to track how it changes- and also, I want others to read it.

*deep breath* O.K. :)

P.S. I have another story that I've just started creating, Avid Diva. Recently I found out a music artist, I think, has this name, but I've liked the name for a couple years so I'm sticking with it.

~ tessmarie (April 7, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

My Prayer For Him

Dear God, you've brought me through a lot. And this, is something very important to me.
A certain individual has been on my heart for some time now.
I've felt as if I've fallen in and out of love with this boy.
But, he still remains on my heart. Is it something about him?
I believe so, but I know that God must have some part in this. I mean, it seems so pleasantly surreal.

Though, romantically, I've let him go, I still care about him more than he could ever know.
While it might be one-sided, that doesn't change the severity of my feelings.

But this is very unique...
If I still see him around, which I hope I do, and he has a girlfriend, I would hope that she would be everything he'd ever hoped for and everything God could possibly bless him with.
It's taken a lot of pain for me to get to this point, but I'm at peace. And very happy about it. :)

Thank you God for blessing his family, his character, and every aspect of his life.

~ tessmarie (March 31, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Those Eyes, That Spirit

What I want is to be able to love you.
But I do, I do. It's the complications that hinder our friendship.
I so desperately want to be myself around you.
You know the real me, you see the real me.
I want you to experience the real me.
And I want to get to know the real you. I want you to be able to confide in me.
I'm not sure what to do. How can I talk to you while showing the admiration and happiness I feel in my heart.
You're beautiful.
I wish I could let you know I feel this way without fear... of scaring you.

~ tessmarie (March 27, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

This Ain't a Joke No More

Doing a paper on Mahatmas Gandhi...that is unless I fall asleep.

I need to get my act together. I've been slipping for too long and I'm aggravated with myself.
When will I become responsible? I'll tell you when.

NOW.

~ tessmarie (March 21, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Friendship For What Reason

This thought has been on my mind.
-People are who they associate with.

I want to be real about this.
Because I don't want to lie to myself... but unfortunately I think I have been.

For years, I was shy. Afraid that people wouldn't like me, I accepted any friend I could get.
I'd like to think things have changed since those times.

I understand that I'm young and so are many of my friends. Teenagers don't exactly make the best choices.
But then again, that can be said about a lot of adults, too. I don't want to make excuses.

The more I think about who my friends are, the more concerned I get. I question my decision to be friends with certain people. I stick to my morals. When I see my friends do something unbelievably stupid or hurtful to others, I almost get sick. People make mistakes. And the Bible says to forgive 70 x 7 (Matthew 18:21). I will forgive, but I'm sure there are people who aren't meant to stay in your life. How is that kind of decision made? I've tried to break away, but I'm always pulled back in. Where does it end?

I see myself getting tired of being around people who are obsessed with worldliness. I love my friends, I really do.
BUT sometimes you have to let go.

At this point...I'm just waiting to let go.

~ tessmarie (March 7, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Dear To Me

Speechless at times.

Amazed every day.

Lord God, every time I think of him or see his face, happiness flows out of me.

Every word is a treasure.
Every glance is something to smile about.

His existence is a blessing.

I can't begin to make sense of it.

No one is like him. Some are similar, but it's different.
They're not him.

He is himself and no one else.

He's the guy I can't believe God has given me the chance to know.


~ tessmarie (March 6, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

You're My Definition of Love

Wrote this in my World History class today.


~You're My Definition of Love~

You're my headache.
You're my heartache.

You're my tears.
You're my laughter.

You're the mystery to my story.

You're my blessing more than my curse.

You are my love.

~ tessmarie (March 5, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

My Present (Gift)

Unwrapped in all your beauty~
I gently tore off the paper of glitter and color.
My eyes stared intuitively.
Little did I know what I was about to discover.

The sea of thoughts flowed whenever you spoke
Amazed by your beauty inside and out,
I feel something different. My heart awoke.
You're someone special. I have no doubt.

I am breathless when I think of our Maker
To think He formed you makes me cry.
When you arrived in my life, I didn't know who you were.
Thank God for you. I was blessed. I wonder why.


This was written about a boy I care deeply for. He is someone who inspires me and makes me smile.


~ tessmarie (February 27, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

I Feel It.

TODAY WAS HARD, BUT GOD EXISTS.
WHAT ELSE WOULD KEEP ME GOING?
WITHOUT WHAT HE HAS GIVEN ME,
I WOULD BE NOWHERE RIGHT NOW.

~ tessmarie (February 17, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Am I Me? Or Am I Her?

~Listening for the Voice~

She's all of me, but less of me.
I speak, she talks.
When I'm upset, she's there observing my thoughts.
Taking note of who I am, who I'm becoming.
Is she the shadow of my soul?
Or the window to my heart?
I don't think I know her, but she definitely knows me.
I wait for her to come.
When she speaks, I will listen.


~The Mirror~

Tears I cry
She wonders why
I smile bright
She replies with delight
Her face is mine
But we have a different design
Who is she?
Am I her or is she me?


~Me (Her)~

~I love you! (You have no idea how much you mean to me.)
~I'm OK. (I just want to cry.)
~What's going on? (I feel left out. Why am I here anyway?)
~What do you think about my drawing? (Do you like it? Is it…good enough?)
~ Can I talk to you? (Please be there for me. I need you.)


As much as I have thought that I did, I do not have an alter ego. But it's kinda fun to pretend that I do. :)


~ tessmarie (February 14, 2010) [Written February 5, 2010]


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

True Strength, It Comes From Him.

I've cried, felt fear. Wanted to pretend it's all OK...but it's not.
I am me. I am who I am. Not perfect, not a model.
I struggle. But I trust God.

Correspondence, you are a challenge.
Police, did you have to pull me over tonight?

It doesn't matter. Life is life.
And God is GOD.

Like Mrs. Trahan says, "I will bend, but I will not break."

Not breaking. Not now, not ever.

~ Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
—Isaiah 41:10 ~

~ tessmarie (February 5, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.