A Better State of Mind

I'll admit it. For at least a day, I thought I knew it all. I thought I had my whole life planned out and was ready to tackle the world head on!

Then...I realized how disturbed I felt inside. And also, I discovered that my new found "intelligence" was actually stupidity...

All I have to say now is, THANK GOD!

I mean, I was in a dangerous place spiritually and artistically. God and art are very important to my core being. If I put God in a different place, thinking it was the right thing, and it turned out that I was straying, I would eventually fall to pieces inside. He's what drives me. Without Him, I have nothing. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I may have these crazy dreams that mean so much to me, but if God wasn't involved in their creation, they would not have a purpose or even exist. I'm not going to abandon my Opportunity Maker once I'm given the opportunity. That would be selfish and pointless. I love God and I will never let myself come to the point to where I think I can put Him in a different light so I can work "better' creatively ever again. I now realize how ridiculous that was. And my emotions got the worst of it. But that's done with.

I need to watch who I listen to and chose how much of what they say is right for me. I like creative freedom. Yeah, I like the androgynous look. Yes, I do like to dress up like my characters, even the transgendered one. BUT I can't become them so much to the point that it's not healthy for me. I love my characters and I want to understand them better, but I have to know my limits. That's going to take some time for me to fully learn.

Anyway, this is/was a good experience. I'm learning a lot and excited to be challeged. I want to grow as a person (spiritually, emotionally, and mentally). I'm happy to be writing and drawing from daily inspiration I'm given.

Now I'm off to dream even bigger than I have before.

~ tessmarie (July 11, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Peace, Finally.

Lately, I've been wanting more out of my life. I can't keep staying up late every night. I don't have a good enough reason.

Wanting to be more production, I've been listening to my brother Todd's advice (as if I have a choice...ha ha, kidding). He's someone I admire- not because he'll sympathize with me over trials we've both experienced, but because he urges me to push myself and won't let me make excuses. I've shed many tears during our conversations over the years and all were completely worth it. No one has been harder on me than him. I'm truly grateful for that. Every time I talk to him, we share our views about life, family, and religion. Sometimes, it feels like we're polar opposites...but I think that helps us both grow. Ok, honestly, I probably get more out of it than he does. I do think he enjoys seeing me learn, though. I am his "science project" after all. I'm not sure what the grading scale is based on, but I'm sure hoping he gets an A+. Heh heh...I think he will.

I'm really starting to see life differently after our recent talks. I'm inspired like never before! My fear seems to be disappearing, or at least masked. I like to tell people when I'm afraid for some reason. I guess I like appearing vulnerable. Maybe that's kind of a good thing? I'm just going to say it is, ha ha. Usually, I talk about it because it's bothering me and I'm begging for as much advice as possible. But if that method works, why change it? I'm feeling much better. I can't even describe how excited I am!

Why am I excited? Why was I holding onto fear?
I love my ideas, my dreams. I think about them a lot, probably more than what's healthy. They're a part of me. They bring out my passions and that's a beautiful thing. But I've been holding back...I've been limiting myself, scared of what people I admire will think of me when they find out "who I was all along". That fear has been hurting me for far too long and well, I'm sick and tired of it. I have to be myself to be happy. It's the only way for me to grow as a person and for my stories to blossom as well. I'm excited because I'm free! No, I'm not yearning to be free. I am most definitely free! I feel different, changed. There's a feeling of peace and pure happiness inside of me. I have no tears of sadness or joy. It's an emotion of comfort, not at all overwhelming. I've been overwhelmed for too long.

My passions are no longer a secret to anyone. I am totally open. Because I have to express my feelings about what I love and what brings me pain. I need to do this for myself.

Another worry I had was that I'd "lose God". On the contrary, I love God too deeply to let go of Him for any reason at all. He's the reasons my passions exist. I love God, but I feel like I've been "playing Christian". And that is deadening. If I truly love God, I'll do what I love full force and involve Him every step along the way. I have no doubt pursing my dreams will bring me closer to God. No more being afraid and fearing that I'm not being a good Christian. I. don't. care. I love God and I want to obey his teachings. I don't need to concern myself with the judgement of anyone, but God Himself. I love my friends and family, but I can't be scared of what they think. I'm not afraid any more. Hallelujah!

~ tessmarie (July 9, 2010)

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