This week has been very emotional for me. My college decision has changed entirely. I was planning on going to the University of Louisiana at Lafayette and sharing an apartment with my best friend. All of that has changed. I waited too long to make some very important choices and that hindered me. While I have TOPS and get to go to a four year college with tuition paid, money wasn't looking good. Living nice, unfortunately, is not usually cheap. So, I had the option of staying in a dorm instead. Yeah...I don't think I'm ready for that. Six months from now, maybe, but not now. From the advice of my mom and a few others, I've decided to wait until the Spring semester to go to college. I still get to use my TOPS, so why not? This gives me more time to make a choice I feel more comfortable with. While I'm happy about the choice, I'm still nervous. I still have to make the decision. There's just more time for me to do that now.
[For those who don't know, TOPS is a program in Louisiana that will pay a certain amount of money for college depending on a high school graduate's GPA and ACT or SAT scores]
Another thing that has been bothering me is, well, me. I've been lazy, unmotivated, and basically a couch potato every since I graduated high school. Everyone tells me that that's fine and I deserve some time to relax. Sure, I agree, but doing nothing all day makes me feel pretty crappy. By nothing, I mean watching season after season of The Office, Law & Order: SVU, and a few random, cheesy movies on Netflix Instant Play. Now, that's a day well-waster for sure. OK, well not exactly, but yeah, yeah it is. Actually, I do other things, too. I draw. While that's a lot of fun and it's fulfilling, I still don't feel like I spend my days the best way I can. Art is very important to me and I know having a job would take time away from that, but I think it would be good for my mental state (which is not so good right now). I really want to work at Whole Foods. I love that place anyway, so it just makes sense that I'd want to be there all of the time. I won't apply for a job there until August, though. I can work part-time for my dad until then. The reason is because the chances of Whole Foods letting me take two weeks off to go to Oregon in mid-July don't seem good. Because if I started on the job tomorrow, I'd only be working for a month before asking for vacation time. Ha ha...ha...not likely. So for the next two months, working with my dad on Fridays is perfectly fine with me.
Another issue I have with myself (it's always about me, isn't it) is my artistic expression. Oh, artist expression, I'm so professional now (only in my head, of course). But really, that's what it is. I feel like I'm holding back. I have thoughts and drawings I don't feel comfortable sharing with other people. I get scared of that they will think I've lost it. I do think I'm exaggerating a bit, but in my own head, it seems that way. I want freedom. I want that for myself. Being honest to myself, my friends and family, and my non-existence audience (heh heh) is crucial to my happiness. Whether my ideas are controversial or weird or completely normal, I want to express them. I have to express them. I WILL express them.
That's all I have for now. Feeling pretty good about life. Thank God, I can breathe!
~ tessmarie (June 18, 2010)
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
