Mental Sick Day

I decided to stay home today. School just didn't seem like a good idea. Last night, my aggravation took control of my entire brain. It told me to give up on what I've been searching for. Usually, I'd combat the negative emotions, but this time, I didn't. No, I didn't want to. Whether it be weakness or just annoyance- I was not going to think about...him. It's stupid anyway. I can't even say his name comfortably. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends once more that I can't stop thinking about him. I've been slamming myself against a brick wall and I want to stop. I wanted a breakthrough, but now I'm not so sure. It'd be easier to walk away and forget I ever wanted into his life. My dreams of our future would disappear. Like a little girl with a crush, I would simply move on.

But as much as I want to move on, I've tried, I can't. I believe in God-given destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it. I don't really know what my future is going to be, even though I pretend I do. Even though life is confusing and I want to stop heading in what seems to be the wrong direction, I don't think I'm stopping. Not now. Of course, the guy's not perfect. Of course, I know that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But that's not it. We aren't even friends. I just have to face that fact. We were friends. We're currently very familiar acquaintances, I believe. That's what I can't change. That's what I'm trying to change. OK, I've made up my mind. *No matter what you are to me, I can't give up on you.*

Thank God for "sick" days.


~ tessmarie (February 1, 2010)


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