Burnt Out

"Ah, I love this song! I must listen to it 30 times a day. It's just so good!"

This is a thought from when I was fifteen.

I remember having thoughts like the above statement. I've had what I call an addictive behavior for years. This trait has its disadvantages, but I do believe it has worthwhile positive aspects. Sure, listening to the same song over and over and over or entertaining specific thoughts on a daily basis can somewhat isolate you from reality, but it does something different for me. When I do something that gives me a temporary high, I often think about it so much that I get tired of it. I'm not saying liking something a lot means eventually you will hate it. That's not true, of course. It depends on what it is and why you like it. For example, when I was fifteen/sixteen, I was very much obsessed with two things that had this effect on me. I really liked the song "Pop Princess" by The Click Five. Actually, I think I was more obsessed with the images and the feeling the song gave me. Anyway, I listened to the song until I got "burnt out" on it. That doesn't mean I don't like it today, it just doesn't create the same vision in my mind. I had to go through a stage of obsession until I realized it wasn't the greatest song in the world, ha ha.

The second thing I was obsessed with definitely had a longer-lasting effect on me. It look me a while to get over it. I imaged a very odd scene with one of my characters being stuck somewhere. It's very awkward actually, so I'm not going to mention specific details (and no, it wasn't graphic or perverted). For some reason, even though the idea wasn't at all great, I loved it! I honestly couldn't get enough of it. Almost a year later, the idea started to fade and the story changed almost entirely. Now, it has drastically changed from that original idea. The story I'm talking about is At First Blush. Oddly enough, in the beginning, the main character was a girl who dressed as a guy for whatever reason. Well, Charlie still dresses as a male, but there is a reason and it's crucial to the story and the character.

I think being "burnt out" isn't all bad. While the process sucks, because once you get over something you usually feel drained, it's worth it. That's my experience, anyway. At times, it can bring you to something better. You don't have to stay drained and sad because your "oh my gosh, amazing" happiness went away. You can learn from it and grow to be a wiser and more intelligent person. I think I have and will continue to do so.

~ tessmarie (May 19, 2010)


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Not the Same

It's all falling apart. We're all falling.
Innocence, ha, I remember that.
When I didn't know any better.
But somehow I kept from getting hurt.
Things of the past, so far away.
What have I given into now?
Everything.
Everything I thought I had to have.
What made me change...
So long ago...
It doesn't matter now.
I have what I want, what I've craved.
So I could be like the rest of them.
The Best of them...(the worst of them)

Yeah, I'm not bitter. Ha ha, really, I'm not. This isn't about me actually. It's about the change I've seen in some of my classmates. Sad really, but if I think about it too long, it just makes me angry. So...writing this piece of literature helped me vent. Ahhh, I feel a little better.

~ tessmarie (May 13, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Music ♫

Do you ever listen to the radio or to a playlist (or any other music source) and feel like you're in another world? Is it an escape that you often crave? It seems common for people to do this, but sometimes I wonder to what extent to they do it? Does their favorite song take them to a life unlike their own, completely opposite? Is that alternate reality more appealing than the song that helps achieve it? Or do their lives so closely relate to a song that they want to get lost in it because they never want the happiness they feel to slip away? Is it always about feeling some kind of high? I think it is, at least, that's how it is for me. Music is somewhat of an obsession for me. Of course, I have many other obsessions, but this one is pretty high on my list of things I live off of. It helps me develop my stories. Music, especially on the radio, provides a lot of inspiration for me. There are even songs that I didn't like at first, but became fond of because of realized that they could relate to my story, At First Blush. Honestly, my day just doesn't feel the same if I don't hear a song that tells a story or has an infectious beat...

~ tessmarie (May 9, 2010)


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It's over. Wait, no...it's just beginning.

...

Exams...are over.

Papers...are done.

High school...is finished!

Yesterday was my last day of high school. Today was senior chapel, a day I have always looked forward to every year. It's a special event to honor the senior class at my high school. Ever since seventh grade, I loved to see seniors (ones I didn't even know) be lifted up and happy on such a special day for them. The teachers/staff always made the event entertaining with jokes and embarrassing stories. Of course, there have been some boring moments in between, but it was always worth it to see the smile on the seniors' faces. And today, I was one of those seniors. It was my class' turn finally. I knew it would be more emotional this time, and it was. The one real difference was the increased suspense. I had so much fun trying to figure out who would speak for what student. Now...I was trying to figure out who was going to speak for ME! I had expectations. I tried not to take them too seriously and I was successful. But reality had exceeded my expectations. A teacher I greatly admire, Mrs. Trahan, had me. And it doesn't even end there. She also had my best friend Jackie. Nothing could have been more amazing! Honestly, it was more than I could have asked for. I feel truly blessed. I cried both tears of sadness and of joy. My dad, my brother Todd, and I ate at Another Broken Egg Cafe afterwards. Around 5, I went with my friend Meredith to see my art teacher, Mrs. Mary, in the hospital because she recently had a stroke. I was glad to see that she looked OK. All in all, it was a good day.

Road trip out of town tomorrow! I'm driving there with Jackie. We're touring a college campus. So much is changing so fast...

~ tessmarie (May 6, 2010)


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These feelings...are beyond words.

When it's an act of God, can words used to describe it give it justice?

Well, I'm gonna try to write about it anyway. Ha ha.

My heart has been opened, revived. I am free. Free to love. Free to believe.

Free to live for God.

~ tessmarie (April 12, 2010)



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Well, it's come to this point.

Love is one of the most amazing feelings.
But if you don't watch yourself, it can turn into hate.

If you love someone and you think you can't let them know, you could possibly become bitter. Bitterness can sink into your heart. Maybe you feel like the person you care/cared for is the one to blame. But really, that's not the case. It's you. Emotions can be controlled. If you let yourself become angry, you're the only one who can stop those feelings.

It may or may not be wrong to continue loving that person. But whatever you do, don't turn love into hate.

It's miserable.

~ tessmarie (April 9, 2010)


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My Prayer For Him

Dear God, you've brought me through a lot. And this, is something very important to me.
A certain individual has been on my heart for some time now.
I've felt as if I've fallen in and out of love with this boy.
But, he still remains on my heart. Is it something about him?
I believe so, but I know that God must have some part in this. I mean, it seems so pleasantly surreal.

Though, romantically, I've let him go, I still care about him more than he could ever know.
While it might be one-sided, that doesn't change the severity of my feelings.

But this is very unique...
If I still see him around, which I hope I do, and he has a girlfriend, I would hope that she would be everything he'd ever hoped for and everything God could possibly bless him with.
It's taken a lot of pain for me to get to this point, but I'm at peace. And very happy about it. :)

Thank you God for blessing his family, his character, and every aspect of his life.

~ tessmarie (March 31, 2010)


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Friendship For What Reason

This thought has been on my mind.
-People are who they associate with.

I want to be real about this.
Because I don't want to lie to myself... but unfortunately I think I have been.

For years, I was shy. Afraid that people wouldn't like me, I accepted any friend I could get.
I'd like to think things have changed since those times.

I understand that I'm young and so are many of my friends. Teenagers don't exactly make the best choices.
But then again, that can be said about a lot of adults, too. I don't want to make excuses.

The more I think about who my friends are, the more concerned I get. I question my decision to be friends with certain people. I stick to my morals. When I see my friends do something unbelievably stupid or hurtful to others, I almost get sick. People make mistakes. And the Bible says to forgive 70 x 7 (Matthew 18:21). I will forgive, but I'm sure there are people who aren't meant to stay in your life. How is that kind of decision made? I've tried to break away, but I'm always pulled back in. Where does it end?

I see myself getting tired of being around people who are obsessed with worldliness. I love my friends, I really do.
BUT sometimes you have to let go.

At this point...I'm just waiting to let go.

~ tessmarie (March 7, 2010)


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Mental Sick Day

I decided to stay home today. School just didn't seem like a good idea. Last night, my aggravation took control of my entire brain. It told me to give up on what I've been searching for. Usually, I'd combat the negative emotions, but this time, I didn't. No, I didn't want to. Whether it be weakness or just annoyance- I was not going to think about...him. It's stupid anyway. I can't even say his name comfortably. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends once more that I can't stop thinking about him. I've been slamming myself against a brick wall and I want to stop. I wanted a breakthrough, but now I'm not so sure. It'd be easier to walk away and forget I ever wanted into his life. My dreams of our future would disappear. Like a little girl with a crush, I would simply move on.

But as much as I want to move on, I've tried, I can't. I believe in God-given destiny or fate, whatever you want to call it. I don't really know what my future is going to be, even though I pretend I do. Even though life is confusing and I want to stop heading in what seems to be the wrong direction, I don't think I'm stopping. Not now. Of course, the guy's not perfect. Of course, I know that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But that's not it. We aren't even friends. I just have to face that fact. We were friends. We're currently very familiar acquaintances, I believe. That's what I can't change. That's what I'm trying to change. OK, I've made up my mind. *No matter what you are to me, I can't give up on you.*

Thank God for "sick" days.


~ tessmarie (February 1, 2010)


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Sweet Feelings Have a Downside, But This Is About You.

My heart has raced and my mind wondered. Anxious thoughts would come and go throughout the day. I'd wait for them. I would lose myself in the euphoria. At least, that's what it seemed to be. I didn't know what was happening. Was this my escape, my unconscious addiction? When I started to become paranoid, I became unsure of myself. What were others thinking about me, my friends? Did they see something they didn't want to tell me about? At this point, I had no more secrets being hid from them. I struggled. The truth was right in front of me. I just couldn't see it. Or no...maybe I was scared. Obviously, the truth is there, but I might have been twisting it to protect myself. I don't like the dark, hearing creepy noises, or seeing dead people. I mean, who does? But there are an enormous amount of people out there afraid of the truth. I think I'm one of them.

I love you.
I'm happy.
Keep believing it's true.
This feeling isn't sappy.
I want you to be content, too.
I'll be there,
Whatever happens.
You're in my daily prayer.
So glad we became friends.
Can't express how much I truly care.


~ tessmarie (January 31, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.