Defeating the Fear

Still scared…of what they might think. I've grown so much and gotten strong enough that I'm proud of my work and of my beliefs. But I'm weak enough to still have fear of criticism and failure. It doesn't bother me until I try to put myself out there. I know what I want. At least, I think I do. I know what my goals are, though some will indefinitely change over time. However, that doesn't lessen my determination. It's fear that's holding me back. A voice inside my head tells me that I won't be able to express myself the right way. Oh, I'll be able to do it, but it won't be close to my expectations… There it is, fear.

I want to be stronger. I want to speak my mind and do it with wisdom. I want to get my point across without worrying about others perceiving it the wrong way. I feel it's important to consider that, though. I have beliefs that some see as weird, others see as wonderful. I know not everyone will like my views, but I know there are people who will. I believe that. My opinions are important to me and I want to share them. I have to break this fear, if I ever want to succeed.

~ tessmarie (May 30, 2010)


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My Art - Past

I picked a few of the pictures I've drawn or altered on my computer that I like the most. They aren't very recent. I just decided that I would like to document some of my past work on my blog.


This one is called "Words Around Me". It was the result of my random drawing during class. I think I drew this when I was 16 in the 10th grade.


Another random drawing called "What the Pinkness?". The picture is a little messy, but I like the mood it creates. The girl's eyes make her look animated, I think.


Um, well, this drawing is called "Ugly Blank Stare". Not saying the girl is ugly, of course, but that her stare is somewhat frightening. Her outfit is...interesting. And she has pink hair!


This picture is titled "She's Super". I guess at the time I drew her, I thought she looked like a superhero or something. I love the tone of her blonde hair.


I call this one "Hair Color Wows Me", because it does. Seriously, the girl's hair color is my favorite thing about this picture.


This one is titled "Pinkster". Hm, in my opinion, she resembles a Dr. Suess type character. I was experimenting with brushes in a program called Seashore when I did this drawing.


This picture was taken on a webcam, eh. It's of a two different animes/manga I like, Fruits Basket and Ranma 1/2. I was practicing anime eyes and then I drew my favorite male characters in the animes. Kyo Sohma (Fruits Basket), Ranma Saotome (Ranma 1/2), and the cutie Ryoga Hibiki/Pchan (Ranma 1/2). I call the picture "I Can Has Anime?".


When I drew this picture, I didn't realize that the background was set on transparent so it looks a like weird. Simple picture, simple title. "Girl With Tie".


This drawing was extremely random. I don't really know what to say about it, ha ha. It's called "Flowow". I just like that it looks fun.


Here is a drawing I did of a cartoon-y field. I like the blurring and the different shades of the colors. It looks very small, hence the title "Fields Galore, Not Really".


There are so many flaws that people have pointed out to me in this picture. And I can think of a handful every time I look at it...but I still like it. I was sad when I drew it. I think I drew this during my first week as a junior in high school, at age 17. This drawing is called "Amber".


~ tessmarie (May 25, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Burnt Out

"Ah, I love this song! I must listen to it 30 times a day. It's just so good!"

This is a thought from when I was fifteen.

I remember having thoughts like the above statement. I've had what I call an addictive behavior for years. This trait has its disadvantages, but I do believe it has worthwhile positive aspects. Sure, listening to the same song over and over and over or entertaining specific thoughts on a daily basis can somewhat isolate you from reality, but it does something different for me. When I do something that gives me a temporary high, I often think about it so much that I get tired of it. I'm not saying liking something a lot means eventually you will hate it. That's not true, of course. It depends on what it is and why you like it. For example, when I was fifteen/sixteen, I was very much obsessed with two things that had this effect on me. I really liked the song "Pop Princess" by The Click Five. Actually, I think I was more obsessed with the images and the feeling the song gave me. Anyway, I listened to the song until I got "burnt out" on it. That doesn't mean I don't like it today, it just doesn't create the same vision in my mind. I had to go through a stage of obsession until I realized it wasn't the greatest song in the world, ha ha.

The second thing I was obsessed with definitely had a longer-lasting effect on me. It look me a while to get over it. I imaged a very odd scene with one of my characters being stuck somewhere. It's very awkward actually, so I'm not going to mention specific details (and no, it wasn't graphic or perverted). For some reason, even though the idea wasn't at all great, I loved it! I honestly couldn't get enough of it. Almost a year later, the idea started to fade and the story changed almost entirely. Now, it has drastically changed from that original idea. The story I'm talking about is At First Blush. Oddly enough, in the beginning, the main character was a girl who dressed as a guy for whatever reason. Well, Charlie still dresses as a male, but there is a reason and it's crucial to the story and the character.

I think being "burnt out" isn't all bad. While the process sucks, because once you get over something you usually feel drained, it's worth it. That's my experience, anyway. At times, it can bring you to something better. You don't have to stay drained and sad because your "oh my gosh, amazing" happiness went away. You can learn from it and grow to be a wiser and more intelligent person. I think I have and will continue to do so.

~ tessmarie (May 19, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Not the Same

It's all falling apart. We're all falling.
Innocence, ha, I remember that.
When I didn't know any better.
But somehow I kept from getting hurt.
Things of the past, so far away.
What have I given into now?
Everything.
Everything I thought I had to have.
What made me change...
So long ago...
It doesn't matter now.
I have what I want, what I've craved.
So I could be like the rest of them.
The Best of them...(the worst of them)

Yeah, I'm not bitter. Ha ha, really, I'm not. This isn't about me actually. It's about the change I've seen in some of my classmates. Sad really, but if I think about it too long, it just makes me angry. So...writing this piece of literature helped me vent. Ahhh, I feel a little better.

~ tessmarie (May 13, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Was I Delusional?

I have a lot of poems on this blog, so far most of them convey feelings I had for a person. Unlike the feelings, these poems still exist and I'm OK with that. I was just thinking about how strongly I felt about this specific person and whether it was rational or not. The truth is I'm not sure. I've heard that love is not supposed to make sense, but to what degree? This sounds like it's getting more complicated than I expected. OK, so sticking to the original subject of this entry, I'm wondering what these poems mean to me now. I still like the way I wrote them and I like that they hold a piece of me, even though it was during a chapter of my life where I felt very foolish. It's weird... It's not like I hate the person I wrote about, it's just that I hardly think about him now. The memories will never go away and that's fine with me, too. Maybe I wasn't that silly. Maybe there was a reason for it. Ha ha, what am I talking about? Of course there was a reason for it all.

~ tessmarie (May 10, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Music ♫

Do you ever listen to the radio or to a playlist (or any other music source) and feel like you're in another world? Is it an escape that you often crave? It seems common for people to do this, but sometimes I wonder to what extent to they do it? Does their favorite song take them to a life unlike their own, completely opposite? Is that alternate reality more appealing than the song that helps achieve it? Or do their lives so closely relate to a song that they want to get lost in it because they never want the happiness they feel to slip away? Is it always about feeling some kind of high? I think it is, at least, that's how it is for me. Music is somewhat of an obsession for me. Of course, I have many other obsessions, but this one is pretty high on my list of things I live off of. It helps me develop my stories. Music, especially on the radio, provides a lot of inspiration for me. There are even songs that I didn't like at first, but became fond of because of realized that they could relate to my story, At First Blush. Honestly, my day just doesn't feel the same if I don't hear a song that tells a story or has an infectious beat...

~ tessmarie (May 9, 2010)


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Back-Stabbing Thoughts? Nah...

At First Blush, kill me now. I keep writing this story, but how? Pressures and trials scare me daily. Not sure if I can continue to face this bravely. Disaster could strike at any moment. Sometimes I want to vent. Too great of an honor to hold. Or should I be so bold? God, I need you. Am I being untrue…to my Savior? The One who gives me so much favor? Lead me and guide me. For I should only succeed if You are beside me.

The above is a poem, I guess, that I wrote concerning my insecurities about my ideas and their inspiration. Sometimes, I become worried about the direction I'm accelerating in. But I try to find comfort in the reason I think, the reason I dream - to please God.

~ tessmarie (May 9, 2010)


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It's over. Wait, no...it's just beginning.

...

Exams...are over.

Papers...are done.

High school...is finished!

Yesterday was my last day of high school. Today was senior chapel, a day I have always looked forward to every year. It's a special event to honor the senior class at my high school. Ever since seventh grade, I loved to see seniors (ones I didn't even know) be lifted up and happy on such a special day for them. The teachers/staff always made the event entertaining with jokes and embarrassing stories. Of course, there have been some boring moments in between, but it was always worth it to see the smile on the seniors' faces. And today, I was one of those seniors. It was my class' turn finally. I knew it would be more emotional this time, and it was. The one real difference was the increased suspense. I had so much fun trying to figure out who would speak for what student. Now...I was trying to figure out who was going to speak for ME! I had expectations. I tried not to take them too seriously and I was successful. But reality had exceeded my expectations. A teacher I greatly admire, Mrs. Trahan, had me. And it doesn't even end there. She also had my best friend Jackie. Nothing could have been more amazing! Honestly, it was more than I could have asked for. I feel truly blessed. I cried both tears of sadness and of joy. My dad, my brother Todd, and I ate at Another Broken Egg Cafe afterwards. Around 5, I went with my friend Meredith to see my art teacher, Mrs. Mary, in the hospital because she recently had a stroke. I was glad to see that she looked OK. All in all, it was a good day.

Road trip out of town tomorrow! I'm driving there with Jackie. We're touring a college campus. So much is changing so fast...

~ tessmarie (May 6, 2010)


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.